This IS a backhoe company, right?

I was on the phone yesterday with a male customer. In the background of his office, there are people talking. I continue with the ho-hum of my call when I hear from a female "jeans.....Ménage à trois" I gasp, then laugh. He says, "You heard her?" I said "Oh yes loud and clear! But I thought you ran a backhoe company." He laughs and tells her that I heard her. She gets all embarrassed and apologized. I told him to tell her, there was no need to apologize, I thought it was pretty funny. It turns out they were talking about a Calvin Klein commercial. I said "Well that explains the only 2 words I heard then."

Being a CSR is like being given a box of chocolates, the crazies come out from the woodwork.

Or something like that

Stupid is as stupid does

In addition to people calling us before they dig, they have the option to enter the same info on line. Approx 65% of all dig requests comes through our Internet Ticket Entry Program. This is a system an excavator can use instead of calling us to enter their requests to have utility lines marked before they dig. We train our users and give them support on how to use the system. If they have any problems or questions, they can call us, we will walk them through the ticket. There is also a manual available on-line they can use if we are not available

As you all know computer programs work on the garbage in/garbage out principle. It only does what you tell it to do. The excavator is required to put an address, or if no address a detailed description of the area he needs marked. If not entered properly, the correct utilities may never receive notification that they need to mark the area, therefore, they don't know they have to mark, don't mark and BOOM a gas line or phone, power whatever is damaged.

We review all of the tickets that are done for quality. One day last year, there was a ticket that everyone was talking about. The guy gives no address, just a road name. It is a MAJOR road that runs for MILES throughout that county. He tells the locators to mark the entire property. Great huh?? So now the locators have to figure out which of the thousands of properties on this major road needs to be marked.. Ok fine.. we call the excavator, get the correct info, cancel the wrong ticket, issue a new one.


BUT that is not all that is on the ticket. In remarks (the area reserved for special driving instructions or gate codes, bad dog.. etc) He writes the following. I will type it EXACTLY as he had it so you can see what an idiot this guy really is (sorry Firefox spellcheck) Anything in italics, are my thoughts or explanations:


"What idiot chose this peice of crap locate solfware. Oh I know it's not the program it is the moron trying to use it. (at least he is smart enough to figure THAT out) Well I have treid for 30 min to get a located at a adress(that he didn't put on the request) that I had no problem getting a permit for but this P.O.S (piece of shit) can not find it. Again thats to the moron who chose this wouderful program. I would love to meet the idiot that decided 2 use useless POS IRTH internet" (the name of the program) It was probably your brother


So, after everyone in the office gets a big laugh over it, the boss brings it to my supervisors attention because our team trains the ITE users and gives help and support when needed. She told my super that someone with a sense of humor should call him and explain how to use the system properly. She knows my humor, so of course she chose me. I was hoping against hope that he would also have a sense of humor about it. Alas, he did not. I had to listen to him bitch about the system, how stupid it was blah blah blah. When I explained to him what he should have done, he said, "How in the hell was I supposed to know that, I should just be able to put the info in, and it should find it." I asked him where he put the information. When he told me where he entered it, I discovered that he did not enter it correctly at all. I told him THAT is why you were having the trouble, he said, "could you just cancel the ticket and do a new one?"

I did, and three major utilities were not notified when he did the ticket. Which could have led to his electrocution, gas leak/fire/explosion and/or cutting off communication for thousands of people had we not caught the ticket before he started to dig. But, people like this are what give me job security.



And a HUGE laugh.

Another mental day off

I had an impossible homeowner yesterday just before lunch time that had my blood pressure to a boiling point. So much so a co-worker said, "Why is your face all red?"

Aunt Flo is here. My head, back, ovaries and boobs hurt and I am cranky. So rather than risk getting fired, I called in sick today. I have been eating heads for breakfast all morning. Here's why:

This woman wanted to argue with everything I told her. She'd ask me a question and before I got to finish, she said "That's not what I am asking" I said, "Maybe I misunderstood then, what are you asking?" She asked again and I gave her the same answer. She accused me of being short with her when I gave the same answer as I had previously. I guess she didn't like the answer. She lectured me on being a CSR, how she was a better one than I, blah blah blah. She explained to me how I should be filling out the form that she can't see to go the extra mile. I explained I have room for a number and a dropdown box for selecting other info. She changed her answers several times during her tantrum. The call took 25 minutes when it only should have taken 6 minutes.

I took the rest of the day off after that.

My husband now understands why I took today and half of yesterday to myself.

What's the day we hate the most that makes us so depesssed?

M-O-N-D-A-Y S-U-C-K-S

One of my first calls today went something like this:


grumbling from grumpy old man Goddamn stupid machines.

"Thank you for calling, this is Super Awesome CSR How can I help you?"

"Are you a machine or a real person?"

"Sir, how can I help you?"

"Are you a tape recording or a human being?"

"I am human, how can I help you?"

"I just spent 20 minutes talking to goddamn tape recorded messages I hate this damn state"

"How can I help you sir?"

"8993754869347365"

"I'm sorry sir, I don't know what that number is for; again, how can I help you?"

"I need to pay my bill."

"I'm sorry sir you have the wrong number, we are not your utility company"

"What do you mean I have the wrong number? Dammit I hate this state."

"I mean we are not a utility company"

"Well who the hell do I call then?"

"Whoever your utility company is that you are trying to reach."

"Who is my utility company?"

"I have no way of knowing that sir"

"Can you transfer me to customer service?"

"What utility company sir?"

" P-R-O-G-R-E-S-S E-N-E-R-G-Y"

"Progress energy sir? I have their number"

"I guess that's what it spells I hate this goddamn state, when I move back up north I am giving everything away"


WOW


I give him the number and he puts our state down again, mumbles a thank you and hangs up



Yes the rest of my day has been all downhill

Happy Friday!

Yesterday was good day at work; it was filled with hilarity.

In order to understand the humor, you have to know that our office, like many others, I'm sure, is filled with a bunch of immature people.

So with that knowledge I hope you will enjoy these stories that happened yesterday as I did.

• We have to IM the team leader to find out if there is more work. I usually just IM saying "more." This morning however, I typed "moew?" Needless to say the TL was kinda confused. I realized what I had typed, corrected myself and told her that a dyslexic cat took over my keyboard.
• I was talking to my team leader through a pane of glass separating our cubicles and I said "I think I slept on my wrist wrong, because it hurts." She heard "I think I sucked on my wrist wrong...." She didn't know there was a right way.
• Tuesday another TL gave me a blouse. It is from NY & Co. Some of you female readers know how difficult it can be to figure out how some articles of clothing are to be worn. This is one of those. It has one short tie strap on one side and one very long tie strap on the other. After 15 minutes.. I FINALLY figured out how it was supposed to be worn. I thought. The longer strap wraps around the back to tie with the other on the left side to close the front. When I told her how long it took me, she laughed her ass off as did everyone else in earshot. I wore it to work this morning to find out I ALMOST had it right. There is a hole in the side (which wasn't sure was supposed to be there and a loop on the side (which I didn't discover until yesterday morning) I went into the break room to demonstrate to her how much I looked like an idiot when I was trying to figure it out Tuesday. She said "You are such a dork, you still don't have it right!" She started to re-do it and one of the male perverts walked in and said "Giggity" (Family Guy fans just blew coffee out of their noses.) We didn't even try to explain. She showed me the proper way to put in on; it is WAY more complicated than this Dizzblnd can handle.
• Later I got a call from a customer doing work for THE ASSOCIATION FOR RETARDED CHILDREN TRAINING CENTER. I wonder what they are training them to do?
• I had actually typed "RETARTED" Maybe I need to go there so they can teach me to spell.
• The team leader that gave me the blouse is also OCD. I assumed she doesn't like anyone writing on her papers. She informed me yesterday that it doesn't bother her when other people write on her papers. It's just me. She thinks my writing looks like I had a stroke in the middle of writing my numbers. I started to protest, but alas, I could not. My handwriting is HORRIBLE. In fact, its so bad the only person that can read my handwriting is my team leader because she writes as horribly as I.
• A co-worker got a call from a moron that was asking HER the name of the street on which HE was working. Remember, people call US to tell US where they are working; WE don't call them and dictate where THEY are working.
• Towards the end of the day, I had laughed so much, I had given myself a headache. So I took some Excedrin to get rid of it. About an hour later, I started sniffling, so I took some sinus stuff. Brilliant! I was bouncing off the walls by the end of the day.

*Note to self, take that combination with coffee at the START of the day.

Be sure to check out today's post on my other blog Soggy-Doggy-Bloggy

and you people wonder why I'm mental..

If you have ever wanted to see me in my bra holding a pussy, you need to go theck out my daughter's video blog. I will wait.. it is hilarious and not as kinky as it sounds.... perverts. Just make sure you comment, then come back here to read my post:






This is part of a conversation I had with a contractor calling before they dig:

I verified all of their company mailing information, she said "Yes, that's correct"

I asked her another question and she said.. "Wait, I don't think the mailing address for our company is correct, what do you have?"

I read it again. She says "I don't know where you got that information, but that is wrong"

Through clenched teeth I said "Oh I'm sorry that is the info that was already in our system for your company, when I read it to you, you said it was correct"

Like the bitch she is she said, "Well it's not correct, I need to change it"

So we changed it.


I then asked her who the field contact would be if any questions should arise.

She gave me a first name. We have to have 1st and last name. She puts me on hold to get and answer. I was on hold F O R E V E R. After 3 minutes, we are allowed to hang up on the dumbass release the call. After 2 minutes and 52 seconds, she returns with the last name and phone number.

I asked a couple of more questions, she answered.. then says

"Wait, what do you mean by field contact"

Muting her and letting out an exasperated sigh, I took her off mute and said "The person in the field they can contact if there are any questions."

She says "From my company?"

I said "WHOEVER!"


"Oh well let me change that then, I gave you the number for a homeowner in that community"

O M G


Moving on..

I asked, "How deep will you be digging at the deepest?"

"Yes we will be digging"


Sigh

"OOOOOOOOOK.. and how deep will you be digging at the deepest?"

"10 inches"

Thank you, and will you be using machinery to dig?"

"OH we're not digging."

"WHAT THE FUCK IS THE MATTER WITH YOU?" "Well then, there is no reason to have this service then. This is call before you dig. We charge the utilities to go out and mark the lines so you won't cut into them when you dig"

"Well, obviously aren't going to be digging where the lines are marked, but we need to know where they are first"

No shit Sherlock, that is the reason for this service" "Riiiiiiiiiiiiiight that's purpose of this free service"

"We are going to be digging 6in"

I wish these calls weren't recorded

"So 6in not 10in?"

"Correct"

"And will you be using machinery to dig?"

"I don't know"

"Ok, I will put "yes" to be on the safe side"

"What do you mean by machinery"

WOW

"Anything that is powered by a machine and not a shovel"

"Oh yes.. we will be using a backhoe"

OMFG!

Moving on, I successfully get county city and address. Then I ask for the intersecting street closest to the address.

I get the standard "There isn't one"

I give the standard "dumbass" reply, "It has to come off of some road somewhere."

"Oh it's.. Smith Rd"

"Is that within 1/4 mile from the property?"

"No"

"Approx how far is it then?"

If you are wondering, this is NOT me being bitchy, I HAVE to know in order to notify the correct utilities


"I'll have to put you on hold to find out"

"Thank you"

At this point I wrapped my headset cord around my neck stood up in my chair and threatened to jump. Really, I did! A cool teamleader/friend threatened to beat my ass if I didn't get down. She's kinda scary, so I did.

After 2 minutes and 43 seconds on hold , she comes back.

"It's not within a 1/4 mile, it's at the NW corner of the intersection."

Right about then, my brain exploded at the stupidity of this woman.

After I wiped the gray matter of of my monitor, I mumbled something about "at the corner IS within 1/4 mile"

When I asked what part of the property she was digging, she didn't know. She didn't bother to put me on hold this time, she just yelled "Where will we be digging"

The reply, "At the guard shack" So I asked "In the front, the rear, the side? What part of the guard shack?"

"Where the white spray painted lines are"

I said I don't see your white lines on the map, I have to tell the utilities specifically where you will be digging."


She said, "Oh well the rain might have washed away the white lines and that's why you can't see them."

Shoot me now

I said "Nooooooooooooooooooo I can't see them because I am sitting in an office at a computer 7 counties north of where you plan to dig. So what part of the guard shack do you need marked.

"The whole thing"

"Is the address you gave me the address for the guard shack?"


"No, that the address for a house inside the community"

I'm ready to jump again

"Then I will take the address off because it has nothing to do with the area you are digging"

"Well how are the going to find it then?"

"Didn't you tell me the guard shack was at the NW corner of Smith Rd and Williams St?"

"Yes, but that's not where it is"

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? "Then where is the guard shack?"


"I don't know"

I said, "Can I speak to the person you have been asking all of the questions?"

"Why?"

"Because it seems he is more knowledgeable about the job site than you are, it would just be easier for me to speak to them"

With a sigh, she yells "SHE WANTS TO SPEAK WITH YOU"


He get's on the phone asked me what the problem is. I explain what I needed to know. He tells me, "The guard shack is at 2000 Williams St"
I explained to him that she told me that address was a house inside the community.

He said, "No ma'am that is address is the actual address for the guard shack."

"Thank you, you can put her back on the phone now."

I finished the call and went on break.

Now do you understand why I need chocolate Vicodin, Valium and Vodka?

Sarcasm just one of the many free services I offer

As a customer service rep, I have to bite my sarcastibitch tongue a LOT in order to keep my job which i really do love.

Here are some of my questions and their answers and then the responses I wish I could give:


Q: Will you be using machinery to dig? (Its a yes or no question people)

A: A small excavator

Is that a midget with a shovel or a small child?



Q: Have you marked the area in white? (again yes or no)

A: Yes, its marked in orange (or green or blue or purple)
Well, orange is not white so so I am going to put no

Same question as above

A: The crew is on site.
Unless the crew on site has marked it in white not red green orange or purple the answer is no dipshit

Q: What day to you plan on digging?

A: I'm in no hurry

So I can put you down for three years from now?

Q: What street touches your street absolutely closest to your house

A: There isn't one

So do you parachute to your house, because you obviously can't drive there without a street connecting to yours





Q: What type of work will you be doing?

A: Excavation

Really? Imagine that! Calling in to a call before you dig center and you are going to be digging? fucking amazing!



Now, like the cable company, there is not a set time that the utilities will be responding to the dig request. Because we notify ALL utilities and they send out their own people to mark, the legal response time is 2 full business days not including the day the call is made. So if you call us today, they have all day tomorrow and all day Monday until 11:59 PM (that is 1 minute before midnight for those who are chronologically challenged). I explain this to all of the first time callers and home owners just the same way I explained it to you all.

Still, before the end of the call, I get asked,

When do you think they will be here?


Due to budget cuts, they have taken away my crystal ball.



Because my tongue is now full of teeth marks and bleeds a lot, I have been able to keep my job career for 9 years