MentalCSR

How to be a good customer on the phone

2010-05-26T17:22:00.005-04:00

After a great many of years as a CSR I am confident that I am qualified to write this.

There is usually a recording after the phone is answered. It would behoove you (and us) to listen to the recording. If you have reached the wrong number, don't argue with us and expect us to know who you are trying to call, what number you SHOULD call or to transfer to something that has nothing to do with the company you have called. Think of it this way, don't call Pizza Hut and expect them to deliver a Big Mac to your house. That's NOT what Pizza Hut does.

1. PLEASE LISTEN TO THE WORDS SPEWING FROM OUR PIEHOLES! There is a reason we ask the questions we ask and I PROMISE we will get ALL of the info we need before we hang up the phone. This may be your first time calling, but we do this alllllll day everyday and really, we know what we are doing.

2. Don't 'yes or 'ok' us to death. Really, we can tell when you aren't listening.

3. When we ask "How can I help you?" Please briefly describe your issue. No need for your life story when I ask this question. Even if you know we are going to ask for something, Please say hello. There are times when you spew something like "555-555-1212" when we say "how can I help you"; That doesn't tell me how us how we can help you.It tells us you know what your phone number is. Way to go! When you tell us what you need, we can tell you what WE need. It's called a conversation. If you just give us numbers and we enter them, we discover we don't need the number you have just given and we have spent 10 minutes getting the same info from you that is contained within a reference number (weird that it is called a REFERENCE number) you got the first time you called, that you could have given when we asked "How can I help you" If you work with us we can get through this with minimal brain damage and aggravation.

3. If we ask for your name, PLEASE give us YOUR first AND last name. Not under whom the account is listed. We have a standard form that we have to fill out. I PROMISE we know how to do our jobs if you will just listen at what you perceive as dribble that comes out of our pie holes, we will get everything I need from you before the call is disconnected.

4. Don't start babbling your name and address after the phone is answered, we have to type in the information and you will have to repeat it again.

5. Please don't ask if we HAVE to repeat certain things. The answer is ALWAYS yes. We are REQUIRED to be repeat info back to you; most companies are. Do you really think if we didn't HAVE to repeat ourselves that we would? NO we want to get you off of our lines as soon as possible and answer the next 50 calls waiting.

6. If we ask a Yes or No question, a 15 second diatribe by you is not necessary. I don't need to know WHY the answer is yes or no, so if by chance you have sufficiently answered yes or no, I will continue with my questioning talking over you not listening to everything else as you are babbling. Same for a direct question. If we ask "What is your address?" your reply should not be "Well, I was born in Germany in 1956, then moved to Ohio and got married." It should be "123 Main St"

7. Do NOT talk over us. You will miss some "interesting" stuff that we are required to give to you.

8. PAY ATTENTION! It is really annoying when we are repeating info that you just gave us back to you and ask you if that is correct, you reply with "Huh? Oh yeah that's correct." We want to say "How do you know if what I just said is correct, you weren't listening" Instead, we continue, because on the recorded line, you said it was correct.. it's all on you now buddy!

9. Give us the courtesy of your undivided attention. Don't eat, pee, have conversations with someone else, scream at your kids or pets while you are speaking to us. In order, that's gross, disgusting and rude.

10. Hitting on us isn't going to get you anywhere. We don't like you, this isn't a dating service.

11. Have something to write with and write on near you the whole time we are conversing, I don't care if it's a crayon, pencil, marker, pen, stick and sand, blood (yours or someone else's). Haven't you learned by now that you are ALWAYS given a ticket number or or reference ID number, trouble ticket, order number or WHATEVER?. Don't make us wait for you to dig for a writing utensil. Don't make me repeat the number because you weren't ready, it's very annoying.

11. When asked for your area code and phone number, that is not the same thing as a zip code, it has more syllables and more digits. LISTEN!

12. The best HOURS to reach you are not 555-555-1212 that is a phone number. 8-5, 12-5. 8-12 etc. THAT'S what we need. If you tell us 'ANYTIME' don't be mad at me if I can't sleep and call you at 3AM.

13. If you are hard of hearing, PLEASE put your hearing ear dog or a hearing person on the phone. Nothing is worse than us having to yell and repeat ourselves because you won't put in your damn hearing aids. Then we get yelled at by our bosses for yelling and being 'rude.' If you don't speak English very well, please use the option for an alternate language. You might give misinformation because you don't understand what we are trying to ask and we have to repeat ourselves

14. If you are on a cell phone and KNOW you are in a bad area, don't get angry at us because we can't hear you. Get in a better area or on a land line and call back.

15. If you call somewhere on a regular basis PLEASE have all of the info you know we are going to ask IN THE SAME ORDER AND EVERY TIME YOU CALL . . It's wrong to put us on hold because "I knew you were going to ask that, I should have had it ready" every three seconds because you don't have your stuff together.

16. 9 times out of 10, the problem you are having is NOT the fault of the person to whom you are speaking. Try not to take out your anger on them. We will be MUCH less likely to help you if you are irritable and cussing at us.

17. Please don't spell words unless we ask you to. Give us the benefit of the doubt on intelligence. Most of us can spell Pine or White. Half the time, we have already typed the word you said and are on to the next question while you are still spelling.

18. Please realize that even if you only call one business a day, that person that you talk to has to answer 100-200 calls a day. It is very stressful, so if you follow all of the above suggestions, it will make everyone's life a lot easier.

To sum it up, be nice, listen and pay attention, answer the questions we ask. These are things you preach to your kids on a daily basis. It will make the call smoother and take much less time than it would if you are guilty of any of the above offenses.

Thank you,

Love,

Call Center Representatives Around the World.

Miscellaneous Stuff

2009-08-15T20:05:00.003-04:00

It's not that I haven't been working .. except when I was in South Beach for a little while at the beginning of this month. It's just that I have been Tweeting (though I swore I NEVER would) blogging on my other blog and playing Call of Duty 4 and partying pretty much every weekend.

Anyway, here's a couple of random things that really cracked me up this past week.

I was talking to a lady who works for a contractor. She is probably in her early 70's. After the 3rd ticket and asking the same questions on each one, she says "poopfart" when I asked her for an intersecting street and she realized she didn't have one. I had to stifle a laugh.

Thursday, I went into the breakroom to get some coffee. The BIG boss was in there too. I went to the coffee maker and the main coffee pot was gone. I looked and the burner was turned off and the coffee pot was rinsed out and turned upside down to dry.

I said "I can't believe this, instead of making a new pot of coffee, someone rinsed out the coffee pot"

The Big Boss looks up at me, grins and said, "I did that".

OMG talk about embarrassing. I know I turned 8 shades of red.

I recovered quickly, laughed and said, "And it will be the best tasting pot of coffee because it was clean! I am so sorry" Luckily, he has a great sense of humor and likes me. I'm just glad I didn''t say "some idiot or some dumbass"

He said, "That's OK, don't worry about it."

I replied, "Well I am not going to be hungry for lunch now, my foot pretty much filled me up!"

The rest of the day, when he walked by my desk, he asked me if he could get me some coffee.

New Soggy-Doggy

Did I do WHAT?

2009-07-23T05:00:00.000-04:00

As some of you know my husband has been temporarily without work. He got a job YAY!.

On Friday, about noon, he texts me at work to tell me he has to be in Miami that night, by 10 or 11 THAT night. It is about a 5 hour drive.

Anyway, I asked my boss for the rest of the day off so I can help get him packed and and stuff. She understood and let me go home.

On Monday morning she comes in and says "Did you get your man off?" I about died. As soon as the words left her mouth, she had a horrified "OMG that is grounds for a sexual harassment suit" look on her face. I just smiled a dirty little smile and said "Yes I did"

Yes.. people really ARE this dumb.

2009-07-10T10:02:00.002-04:00

There is a woman that I work with who is really dumber than a box of doorknobs. We have had lunch catered in for the last 2 days. Today is sandwiches. This same woman walked into the breakroom yesterday at lunch time. We had spaghetti and meatballs , alfredo sauce and noodles and veggies. No lie.. she said.. "Oh is this the sandwiches we are having for lunch?" I looked at her, looked at the food on the table and said, "No Fiona, that's spaghetti and meatballs." She said "Ohhhhh" and walked out of the room. Later, she comes back in and looks at the alfredo sauce and asked the caterer "What kind of soup is this" The caterer gives her a weird look and said.. "uhhhhhhhh that's alfredo sauce" "Oh.. whats it for?" I had to leave the room at that point ... I would have been fired for laughing and calling her a dumbass

*name changed to protect the door knobs

Happy 3 day weekend!

2009-07-02T14:16:00.006-04:00

I am off today YAY. Heres a few tidbits from yesterday.

A company calls me and I notice his area code listed is different than the city his office is. So I asked him for the area code and phone number for the main office in that city. He gives me one.

I moved on to ask him some other contact information.

"Do you have a cell phone number?"

"It's the number I just gave you"

"I thought that was the main office number for your company"

"Well, it's a temporary number that was given to me"

"Is it the office number or your cell phone number"

"It's the office number."

"Do you have a cell phone number"

"No"

Sigh.

I move on to other questions.

What type of work is your company doing?"

"The company we are doing the work for is doing shoulder work."

"And is your company is doing shoulder work as well?

"No we are installing the construction signs for them"

I am still speaking English right? I mean you all understand me.

Moving along...

"How long do you expect the digging to take?" (Ex. a month a year a day etc..)

"As soon as possible"

Really? You are this dumb?

I repeat..
"How long is the digging going to take?"

"What do you mean?"

"You are digging is that correct?"

"Yes"

"OK how long is the digging going to take? An hour, a day, a week, a year?"

"Oh.. Just a day."

Next question.

Is there a physical address to where you will be digging?

"Yes."

"And the address is..."

"Smith Rd"

And what is the address please?"

"It's on Smith Rd."

"I understand the address is on Smith Rd... I need the address for the property that you'll be digging."

"There is no address...."

grrrrrrrrrrrrr

The rest of the call was OK.. a few more things he was dumb about.. but you get the picture.

Later, his sister called.

All of the other questions she answered with no problem.

She gave me the address

"I asked for the intersecting street (you know the one at the corner closest to the property"

After insisting there wasn't one, because the road stretches the entire length of the county and there aren't any streets that come off of it anywhere, I made her look up the address on line. She gives me a name of a street and I ask her,

"Is that within 1/4 mile from the address?"

"I don't know; nobodys ever asked me if the cross street was within 1/4 mile before and I have been calling there for 5 years."

Really??

I told her, while laughing "I've aked it everyday of my life for the last 9 1/2 years, we ALWAYS ask if the cross street is within 1/4 mile when you give us an address"

She looked it up again and said, "Well its a corner property"

HUMPH!.. I thought there were no other streets off of this road anywhere in the county

Later a guy called and screamed at me because someone was cutting down trees in his yard. When I explained he had the wrong number, he said,

Well you people hired them to trim the trees"

"No sir" I explained who we are AGAIN.

He said well FPL hired the tree trimmers. I gave him the number for FPL. Then he tells me., "Well I was told to call the county"

So why in the hell are you calling me?

He told me "If I was back home I'd kill the sons of bitches for cutting my trees on my property."

I told him to have a nice day and I hung up.

I am so glad I am off today. HAPPY AND SAFE TOMORROW EVERYBODY!

Thank you for calling the psychiatric hotline.. oh wait...

2009-06-26T14:20:00.006-04:00

Friday, right before lunch a call came into me. I said my intro and then the voice on the other end just started speaking in tongues. I was getting ready to ask him if he would like a Spanish rep, (although I was not quite sure if that was his language) when he started speaking perfect English:

"There are people out here digging on my lawn all the way up to my house. They are not supposed to be here. They are not the same sewer trucks that were her yesterday. These are the same trucks that were reported stolen to the county. This is a conspiracy, I have written Washington DC about this and I am suing the county"

I got the attention of my teamleader who sits right in front of me. She logged in to my phone to listen. I broke in to his ramblings, trying to contain my laughter. "I'm sorry sir, you have the wrong number." I explained to him who were are and what we do. I then asked him ~~if he took his meds this morning~~ how I could help him.
He yelled, "I already told you how you can help me, you need to call in somebody rich to come get me. This is a conspiracy". I replied, "Sir if you feel like your life is in danger, you need to hang up with me and call 911"

"I told you this was a conspiracy, the cops are in on it too, that's why I can't call them. I explained again that there was nothing I could do to help him. He mumbled something in tongues and hung up the phone.

While I was at lunch, he called back. He got a male representative who reminds me of "The Stapler Guy" from Office Space So "Milton" answers the phone, and the same guy just starts spewing weights of the trucks and numbers. Milton explained again who we are and what we do. The guy said, "Yes I know who you are I OWN this company." Then he hung up. Next, he calls back and gets the girl that sits right next to Milton. She, too explains that he has the wrong number. When he starts cussing her out, she said "Sir, you do not have to be so inappropriate" My team leader IM'd her and told her to transfer the call to her.
When she did, he starts cussing, my TL out as well. She copied down down his number before he hung up and had our tech guy block his number.

It is quite obvious the guy was mentally ill. I don't think THAT in of itself is funny. I am not making light of mental illness. But the conversation was too hilarious not to share.

This IS a backhoe company, right?

2009-06-26T07:37:00.006-04:00

I was on the phone yesterday with a male customer. In the background of his office, there are people talking. I continue with the ho-hum of my call when I hear from a female "jeans.....Ménage à trois" I gasp, then laugh. He says, "You heard her?" I said "Oh yes loud and clear! But I thought you ran a backhoe company." He laughs and tells her that I heard her. She gets all embarrassed and apologized. I told him to tell her, there was no need to apologize, I thought it was pretty funny. It turns out they were talking about a Calvin Klein commercial. I said "Well that explains the only 2 words I heard then."

Being a CSR is like being given a box of chocolates, the crazies come out from the woodwork.

Or something like that

Stupid is as stupid does

2009-06-25T05:11:00.003-04:00

In addition to people calling us before they dig, they have the option to enter the same info on line. Approx 65% of all dig requests comes through our Internet Ticket Entry Program. This is a system an excavator can use instead of calling us to enter their requests to have utility lines marked before they dig. We train our users and give them support on how to use the system. If they have any problems or questions, they can call us, we will walk them through the ticket. There is also a manual available on-line they can use if we are not available

As you all know computer programs work on the garbage in/garbage out principle. It only does what you tell it to do. The excavator is required to put an address, or if no address a detailed description of the area he needs marked. If not entered properly, the correct utilities may never receive notification that they need to mark the area, therefore, they don't know they have to mark, don't mark and BOOM a gas line or phone, power whatever is damaged.

We review all of the tickets that are done for quality. One day last year, there was a ticket that everyone was talking about. The guy gives no address, just a road name. It is a MAJOR road that runs for MILES throughout that county. He tells the locators to mark the entire property. Great huh?? So now the locators have to figure out which of the thousands of properties on this major road needs to be marked.. Ok fine.. we call the excavator, get the correct info, cancel the wrong ticket, issue a new one.

BUT that is not all that is on the ticket. In remarks (the area reserved for special driving instructions or gate codes, bad dog.. etc) He writes the following. I will type it EXACTLY as he had it so you can see what an idiot this guy really is (sorry Firefox spellcheck) Anything in italics, are my thoughts or explanations:

"What idiot chose this peice of crap locate solfware. Oh I know it's not the program it is the moron trying to use it. (at least he is smart enough to figure THAT out) Well I have treid for 30 min to get a located at a adress(that he didn't put on the request) that I had no problem getting a permit for but this P.O.S (piece of shit) can not find it. Again thats to the moron who chose this wouderful program. I would love to meet the idiot that decided 2 use useless POS IRTH internet" (the name of the program) It was probably your brother

So, after everyone in the office gets a big laugh over it, the boss brings it to my supervisors attention because our team trains the ITE users and gives help and support when needed. She told my super that someone with a sense of humor should call him and explain how to use the system properly. She knows my humor, so of course she chose me. I was hoping against hope that he would also have a sense of humor about it. Alas, he did not. I had to listen to him bitch about the system, how stupid it was blah blah blah. When I explained to him what he should have done, he said, "How in the hell was I supposed to know that, I should just be able to put the info in, and it should find it." I asked him where he put the information. When he told me where he entered it, I discovered that he did not enter it correctly at all. I told him THAT is why you were having the trouble, he said, "could you just cancel the ticket and do a new one?"

I did, and three major utilities were not notified when he did the ticket. Which could have led to his electrocution, gas leak/fire/explosion and/or cutting off communication for thousands of people had we not caught the ticket before he started to dig. But, people like this are what give me job security.

And a HUGE laugh.

Another mental day off

2009-06-17T13:45:00.004-04:00

I had an impossible homeowner yesterday just before lunch time that had my blood pressure to a boiling point. So much so a co-worker said, "Why is your face all red?"

Aunt Flo is here. My head, back, ovaries and boobs hurt and I am cranky. So rather than risk getting fired, I called in sick today. I have been eating heads for breakfast all morning. Here's why:

This woman wanted to argue with everything I told her. She'd ask me a question and before I got to finish, she said "That's not what I am asking" I said, "Maybe I misunderstood then, what are you asking?" She asked again and I gave her the same answer. She accused me of being short with her when I gave the same answer as I had previously. I guess she didn't like the answer. She lectured me on being a CSR, how she was a better one than I, blah blah blah. She explained to me how I should be filling out the form that she can't see to go the extra mile. I explained I have room for a number and a dropdown box for selecting other info. She changed her answers several times during her tantrum. The call took 25 minutes when it only should have taken 6 minutes.

I took the rest of the day off after that.

My husband now understands why I took today and half of yesterday to myself.

What's the day we hate the most that makes us so depesssed?

2009-06-15T12:42:00.004-04:00

M-O-N-D-A-Y S-U-C-K-S

One of my first calls today went something like this:

grumbling from grumpy old man Goddamn stupid machines.

"Thank you for calling, this is Super Awesome CSR How can I help you?"

"Are you a machine or a real person?"

"Sir, how can I help you?"

"Are you a tape recording or a human being?"

"I am human, how can I help you?"

"I just spent 20 minutes talking to goddamn tape recorded messages I hate this damn state"

"How can I help you sir?"

"8993754869347365"

"I'm sorry sir, I don't know what that number is for; again, how can I help you?"

"I need to pay my bill."

"I'm sorry sir you have the wrong number, we are not your utility company"

"What do you mean I have the wrong number? Dammit I hate this state."

"I mean we are not a utility company"

"Well who the hell do I call then?"

"Whoever your utility company is that you are trying to reach."

"Who is my utility company?"

"I have no way of knowing that sir"

"Can you transfer me to customer service?"

"What utility company sir?"

" P-R-O-G-R-E-S-S E-N-E-R-G-Y"

"Progress energy sir? I have their number"

"I guess that's what it spells I hate this goddamn state, when I move back up north I am giving everything away"

WOW

I give him the number and he puts our state down again, mumbles a thank you and hangs up

Yes the rest of my day has been all downhill

Happy Friday!

2009-06-12T05:00:00.002-04:00

Yesterday was good day at work; it was filled with hilarity.

In order to understand the humor, you have to know that our office, like many others, I'm sure, is filled with a bunch of immature people.

So with that knowledge I hope you will enjoy these stories that happened yesterday as I did.

We have to IM the team leader to find out if there is more work. I usually just IM saying "more." This morning however, I typed "moew?" Needless to say the TL was kinda confused. I realized what I had typed, corrected myself and told her that a dyslexic cat took over my keyboard.
I was talking to my team leader through a pane of glass separating our cubicles and I said "I think I slept on my wrist wrong, because it hurts." She heard "I think I sucked on my wrist wrong...." She didn't know there was a right way.
Tuesday another TL gave me a blouse. It is from NY & Co. Some of you female readers know how difficult it can be to figure out how some articles of clothing are to be worn. This is one of those. It has one short tie strap on one side and one very long tie strap on the other. After 15 minutes.. I FINALLY figured out how it was supposed to be worn. I thought. The longer strap wraps around the back to tie with the other on the left side to close the front. When I told her how long it took me, she laughed her ass off as did everyone else in earshot. I wore it to work this morning to find out I ALMOST had it right. There is a hole in the side (which wasn't sure was supposed to be there and a loop on the side (which I didn't discover until yesterday morning) I went into the break room to demonstrate to her how much I looked like an idiot when I was trying to figure it out Tuesday. She said "You are such a dork, you still don't have it right!" She started to re-do it and one of the male perverts walked in and said "Giggity" (Family Guy fans just blew coffee out of their noses.) We didn't even try to explain. She showed me the proper way to put in on; it is WAY more complicated than this Dizzblnd can handle.
Later I got a call from a customer doing work for THE ASSOCIATION FOR RETARDED CHILDREN TRAINING CENTER. I wonder what they are training them to do?
I had actually typed "RETARTED" Maybe I need to go there so they can teach me to spell.
The team leader that gave me the blouse is also OCD. I assumed she doesn't like anyone writing on her papers. She informed me yesterday that it doesn't bother her when other people write on her papers. It's just me. She thinks my writing looks like I had a stroke in the middle of writing my numbers. I started to protest, but alas, I could not. My handwriting is HORRIBLE. In fact, its so bad the only person that can read my handwriting is my team leader because she writes as horribly as I.
A co-worker got a call from a moron that was asking HER the name of the street on which HE was working. Remember, people call US to tell US where they are working; WE don't call them and dictate where THEY are working.
Towards the end of the day, I had laughed so much, I had given myself a headache. So I took some Excedrin to get rid of it. About an hour later, I started sniffling, so I took some sinus stuff. Brilliant! I was bouncing off the walls by the end of the day.

*Note to self, take that combination with coffee at the START of the day.

Be sure to check out today's post on my other blog Soggy-Doggy-Bloggy

and you people wonder why I'm mental..

2009-06-07T08:51:00.001-04:00

If you have ever wanted to see me in my bra holding a pussy, you need to go theck out my daughter's video blog. I will wait.. it is hilarious and not as kinky as it sounds.... perverts. Just make sure you comment, then come back here to read my post:

This is part of a conversation I had with a contractor calling before they dig:

I verified all of their company mailing information, she said "Yes, that's correct"

I asked her another question and she said.. "Wait, I don't think the mailing address for our company is correct, what do you have?"

I read it again. She says "I don't know where you got that information, but that is wrong"

Through clenched teeth I said "Oh I'm sorry that is the info that was already in our system for your company, when I read it to you, you said it was correct"

Like the bitch she is she said, "Well it's not correct, I need to change it"

So we changed it.

I then asked her who the field contact would be if any questions should arise.

She gave me a first name. We have to have 1st and last name. She puts me on hold to get and answer. I was on hold F O R E V E R. After 3 minutes, we are allowed to ~~hang up on the dumbass~~ release the call. After 2 minutes and 52 seconds, she returns with the last name and phone number.

I asked a couple of more questions, she answered.. then says

"Wait, what do you mean by field contact"

Muting her and letting out an exasperated sigh, I took her off mute and said "The person in the field they can contact if there are any questions."

She says "From my company?"

I said "WHOEVER!"

"Oh well let me change that then, I gave you the number for a homeowner in that community"

O M G

Moving on..

I asked, "How deep will you be digging at the deepest?"

"Yes we will be digging"

Sigh

"OOOOOOOOOK.. and how deep will you be digging at the deepest?"

"10 inches"

Thank you, and will you be using machinery to dig?"

"OH we're not digging."

~~"WHAT THE FUCK IS THE MATTER WITH YOU?"~~ "Well then, there is no reason to have this service then. This is call before you dig. We charge the utilities to go out and mark the lines so you won't cut into them when you dig"

"Well, obviously aren't going to be digging where the lines are marked, but we need to know where they are first"

~~No shit Sherlock, that is the reason for this service"~~ "Riiiiiiiiiiiiiight that's purpose of this free service"

"We are going to be digging 6in"

I wish these calls weren't recorded

"So 6in not 10in?"

"Correct"

"And will you be using machinery to dig?"

"I don't know"

"Ok, I will put "yes" to be on the safe side"

"What do you mean by machinery"

WOW

"Anything that is powered by a machine and not a shovel"

"Oh yes.. we will be using a backhoe"

OMFG!

Moving on, I successfully get county city and address. Then I ask for the intersecting street closest to the address.

I get the standard "There isn't one"

I give the standard "dumbass" reply, "It has to come off of some road somewhere."

"Oh it's.. Smith Rd"

"Is that within 1/4 mile from the property?"

"No"

"Approx how far is it then?"

If you are wondering, this is NOT me being bitchy, I HAVE to know in order to notify the correct utilities

"I'll have to put you on hold to find out"

"Thank you"

At this point I wrapped my headset cord around my neck stood up in my chair and threatened to jump. Really, I did! A cool teamleader/friend threatened to beat my ass if I didn't get down. She's kinda scary, so I did.

After 2 minutes and 43 seconds on hold , she comes back.

"It's not within a 1/4 mile, it's at the NW corner of the intersection."

Right about then, my brain exploded at the stupidity of this woman.

After I wiped the gray matter of of my monitor, I mumbled something about "at the corner IS within 1/4 mile"

When I asked what part of the property she was digging, she didn't know. She didn't bother to put me on hold this time, she just yelled "Where will we be digging"

The reply, "At the guard shack" So I asked "In the front, the rear, the side? What part of the guard shack?"

"Where the white spray painted lines are"

I said I don't see your white lines on the map, I have to tell the utilities specifically where you will be digging."

She said, "Oh well the rain might have washed away the white lines and that's why you can't see them."

Shoot me now

I said "Nooooooooooooooooooo I can't see them because I am sitting in an office at a computer 7 counties north of where you plan to dig. So what part of the guard shack do you need marked.

"The whole thing"

"Is the address you gave me the address for the guard shack?"

"No, that the address for a house inside the community"

I'm ready to jump again

"Then I will take the address off because it has nothing to do with the area you are digging"

"Well how are the going to find it then?"

"Didn't you tell me the guard shack was at the NW corner of Smith Rd and Williams St?"

"Yes, but that's not where it is"

~~ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?~~ "Then where is the guard shack?"

"I don't know"

I said, "Can I speak to the person you have been asking all of the questions?"

"Why?"

"Because it seems he is more knowledgeable about the job site than you are, it would just be easier for me to speak to them"

With a sigh, she yells "SHE WANTS TO SPEAK WITH YOU"

He get's on the phone asked me what the problem is. I explain what I needed to know. He tells me, "The guard shack is at 2000 Williams St"
I explained to him that she told me that address was a house inside the community.

He said, "No ma'am that is address is the actual address for the guard shack."

"Thank you, you can put her back on the phone now."

I finished the call and went on break.

Now do you understand why I need chocolate Vicodin, Valium and Vodka?

Sarcasm just one of the many free services I offer

2009-06-07T08:48:00.000-04:00

As a customer service rep, I have to bite my sarcastibitch tongue a LOT in order to keep my job which i really do love.

Here are some of my questions and their answers and then the responses I wish I could give:

Q: Will you be using machinery to dig? (Its a yes or no question people)

A: A small excavator

Is that a midget with a shovel or a small child?

Q: Have you marked the area in white? (again yes or no)

A: Yes, its marked in orange (or green or blue or purple)
Well, orange is not white so so I am going to put no

Same question as above

A: The crew is on site.
Unless the crew on site has marked it in white not red green orange or purple the answer is no dipshit

Q: What day to you plan on digging?

A: I'm in no hurry

So I can put you down for three years from now?

Q: What street touches your street absolutely closest to your house

A: There isn't one

So do you parachute to your house, because you obviously can't drive there without a street connecting to yours

Q: What type of work will you be doing?

A: Excavation

Really? Imagine that! Calling in to a call before you dig center and you are going to be digging? fucking amazing!

Now, like the cable company, there is not a set time that the utilities will be responding to the dig request. Because we notify ALL utilities and they send out their own people to mark, the legal response time is 2 full business days not including the day the call is made. So if you call us today, they have all day tomorrow and all day Monday until 11:59 PM (that is 1 minute before midnight for those who are chronologically challenged). I explain this to all of the first time callers and home owners just the same way I explained it to you all.

Still, before the end of the call, I get asked,

When do you think they will be here?

Due to budget cuts, they have taken away my crystal ball.

Because my tongue is now full of teeth marks and bleeds a lot, I have been able to keep my ~~job~~ career for 9 years

Dumbass!

2009-06-07T08:45:00.001-04:00

The post below was a rather long rant about my job. Today is not a rant.. but rather a few funny things that were said by my customers or those of my co-workers on the same day.

These were mine:

Me: Thank you for calling this is Dizzblnd, how can I help you?
Customer: (chuckling) Hi my name's Mike* and I'm a dumbass

All together now HIIII MIKE!

Me: (laughing) How may I help you
Mike: Uhhhh Yeah I just went about 80 through your Sunpass toll booth and I just realized I don't have my Sunpass (Sunpass is the Prepaid Toll Program thingie here in this state for those of you who want to know but too lazy to click on the link)
Me: I'm sorry, you have the wrong number, this is the place you call before you dig.
Mike: Oh, now I really feel like a dumbass. What do I do now?
Me: Just sit back and wait for the ticket to come in the mail I guess
Mike: Now I feel like an asshole I was trying to do the right thing. I'm on vacation now so I really don't care. Oh well I just wanted to call and confess my sin to someone and I didn't think 911 would appreciate it. Thanks I feel much better now!
Me: Ok you have a great day! (I wanted to tell him "you are absolved my son")

Last callers Son:

Me: How deep will you be digging at the deepest?
Customer: Northwest

Another caller:

Customer: That's 1234 Wildwood St. That's W-I-L-D-W-Zero-Zero-D

Wooooooooooow

But wait!!! There's more!

Caller: Hi, the last number I got for AT&T wasn't valid, do you have a different number?
Me: The only number I have is 1-555-555-5555
Caller: That's not the same number that I have
Me: I'm sorry, I didn't know what number you already had, didn't you say you wanted a DIFFERENT number?
Caller: er um yes thank you click

Last caller's brother:

Co-worker: How deep will you be digging at the deepest?
Customer: 2 weeks

I wonder how deep he'll be in 2 weeks?

*Name changed to protect the ~~dumbass~~ innocent My apologies to any non-dumbass Mikes out there

Just answer the Fucking question! Please! Long rant

2009-06-07T08:38:00.000-04:00

You all know I work as a customer service rep. If you just stumbled across this blog and didn't know.. BOOM you are caught up! That was easy. It is an inbound call center where someone would call for a free service before they dig to have utility lines marked with the paint and flags you see all over the place (We do not do the markings, the utility companies do, the call centers like this one across the country simply notify the utility companies so you don't have to make 27 calls to all of them yourself, please do not call one of these centers and bitch at the reps for digging in your yard or putting the flags and paint on your bushes and sidewalk; we didn't do it)

We have asked the same questions everyday for the last 9 years that I have worked there. Yet, there are contractors who call every day and rarely have the info ready that we ask.

After we verify the company info we have on file for that company, we ask questions so the utilities know what they need to know before they send out their people to mark. A lot of the questions consist of yes or no, or otherwise direct questions that ~~shouldn't be~~ aren't too hard to answer. The questions follow a form that we are required to fill out. I will give you the questions and some of the typical "answers" that sometimes tell us nothing.
My conversations (as well as some other reps') go something like this:

ME: What type of work will you be doing?

Customer: Excavation (really? Imagine that! Calling in to a call before you dig center and you are going to be digging?)

ME: Riiiiiight! But why?

Customer: OH! Utilities

ME: Installing, removing, repairing? Power cable, phone, water, sewer, drainage? (WORK WITH ME!)

Customer: We're installing Sewer (I hope the rest of the call won't be like this)

ME: How deep will you be digging at the deepest? (See? Direct question.. psh whatever)

Customer: Not very deep at all

ME: OK I will put "unknown"

Customer: Oh! I will only be going down about 8ft (hmmmmm that's pretty deep if you ask me, but what do I know? (Don't answer that you smartass stalkers of mine)

ME: Will you be using a machine to do the digging? ("Will you" indicates an yes or a no answer, right?? I used to think so too)

Customer: We will be using a trencher (that can be hand held or a machine powered tool)

Me: Is that a YES or NO? (you know, because my crystal ball is in the shop and all)

Customer: OH that's a NO it's one of those walk behinds ("no" is the answer I was looking for)

ME: Have you marked the area that you want to dig in the color white? (see how simple these questions are?)

Customer: The crew is on site (WTF?? That doesn't tell me anything)

ME: Did the crew mark the area in the color WHITE? (louder this time to break the idiot shield)

Customer: Yes it's all marked out in orange (sigh .... what a dumbass)

ME: OK I will put no because orange is not white (me.. making a noose out of my phone cord)

Customer: Oh you need it marked in white? (can you put someone more intelligent on the phone please)

ME: It's just a question the utilities want answered that's all.

Customer: The crew is there they can show them (Did I ask that question? NOPE)

(Finally.. on to the next question)

ME: How long will the digging take? (another seemingly easy question)

Customer: How ever long it takes us to get the job done (are you beginning to think he was dropped on his head one to many times? I know I am.)

ME: OK, I will put "unknown"

Customer: Oh you mean like how long? (did I stutter?)

ME: Yes.. how long? an hour, a day, a month, a year, 5 years HOW LONG!?!

Customer: Only about 4 hours (see that wasn't so hard)

Then there are a few more questions that bear some explaining, so I'll skip those.

ME: In what county is the work taking place?

Customer: What country? (Remember these idiots call here almost EVERY day)

ME: C O U N T Y county

Customer: OH I'm sorry, Orlando

ME: Thank you for the ~~C I T Y~~ city, but what I asked for was the COUNTY

Customer: I don't know what county it's in (THEN WHY ARE YOU CALLING ME?)

ME: It's Orange county

Customer: Thank you

ME: ~~Whatever dipshit~~ My pleasure

ME: What's the address to which you'll be digging please (so simple)

Customer: You mean for this job I am calling about now?

ME: ~~No.. I am asking for the address of the job you were digging at three years ago that has nothing to do with this call! What other address would I be asking for?~~ Yes (because at this point I just want to call him a F*#$ing MORON!)

Customer: It's on Williams St (like that helps)

ME: OK and is there an address?

Customer: Well let me read what I have written down (shouldn't you have done all this BEFORE you called here?) It says please mark the entire property at 1234 Williams street. (that would be the address, tardcart)

If there is an address, we ask for the closest intersection..

ME: What street touches or crosses (in other words intersects) Williams St closest to the address?

Customer: There isn't one (OK so after you parachute down, how do you get there?)

ME: It has to come off of something somewhere!

Customer: Well, you get off at exit 42 go about 3 miles and turn left next to the red barn then you go about 2 more miles and turn right on Smith Rd and its on the corner of Smith Rd and Williams St (did I ask for the bloody driving directions?? NO!)

ME: OK.. so isn't Smith Rd the street the touches, crosses or intersects closest to the property on Williams St seeing as how it is a corner property?

Customer: Well yes ma'am I guess it is, I just didn't know that's what you were asking for. (Riiiiiiiiight, because I switched from speaking English -which is BTW the only language I know-to speaking Greek right in the middle of my questions)

FINALLY, I get to the last and again very simple question.

ME: What part of this property will you be digging (~~~crosses fingers~~~.. please please please get this one without an explanation)

Customer: What do you mean "what part" (OMG ARE YOU SERIOUS?)

ME: The front, the rear, the sides, entire, north, east, south, west, WHAT PART?

Customer: The front and the back (you would think)

ME: (because I know better) Not the sides?

Customer: Well yes the sides too (see?)

ME: So you want the entire property marked then is that correct (because entire means everything not just the front and the back .. AND its only two syllables, therefore wasting less of my time and breath because I have to read all this shit back to him)

Customer: (Beginning to understand what an idjit he really is) Yes ma'am, I guess that's correct. (you GUESS??? EITHER IT IS CORRECT OR IT'S NOT!!)

Now.. this whole process normally takes about 3 minutes tops.. assuming the streets are on our maps and the customer (who calls everyday, sometimes 50 jobs in one call) knows what the frack they are doing. But because this and many other people can't answer direct questions, the process will take 6-10 minutes.

So please people, I beg you on the behalf of all the call center reps out there, give a direct answer to a direct questions. We really don't care about any specifics that we don't ask you. Just answer the fucking question and move on.

Thank you for calling and ~~may the fleas of a thousand cats infest your house~~ have a nice day

Tired of telemarketers and/or bill collectors?

2009-06-07T08:37:00.000-04:00

Try this

Hello. Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly being certain to touch the table and counting to 10 between each press.

If you are co-dependent, ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Please stay on the line until we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, please listen carefully until the voices tell you which number to press.

If you are borderline, it doesn't matter which number you press-- no one will answer.

If you are manic-depressive, please press 7 as fast as you can for the next 24 hours, and then crash for the following 24 hours.

If you have bipolar affective disorder, please leave a message after the beep and before the beep and after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to a worthless person like you.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you have ADD, wander away from the phone and start another task.

If you believe you are the Antichrist, please press the number six three times, you beast you

If you suffer from generalized anxiety disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.

If you suffer from social phobia, please hang up and go to a party.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone, social security number, and your mother's and grandmother's maiden names.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y & c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 911.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

Thank you for calling the Psychiatric Hotline.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I found this on the internet a long time ago and put it a shortened version on my home answering machine It gave my friends a laugh, but also kept the telemarketers and bill collectors at bay. For for tips on how to deal with these people, see Dumbass Telemarketer.

How do you NOT know you have to go?

2009-06-07T08:33:00.000-04:00

As I was sitting on the throne one morning trying to get some inspiration for a blog, I remember something that happened to me at work.

I had just come back from a Mexican restaurant where I had lunch.

I go to the restroom because I had to pee (or so I thought) so I go in the first stall.

I assume the position, (ladies, you know the one) then out of nowhere... you guessed it. BAM! Now.... if I HAD known I had to do THAT (again, how can you not know?) .. This is how i would have handled it:

I would go to the very last (poopie) stall as I call it. If there is lysol (or other spray) available I will spray the hell out of the area before I clear the log jam. Then I let it rip. During, I will give a courtesy flush, and another spray. After, I will spray again and flush however many times is necessary to remove all lingering evidence not flushed down the 1st 4 times. But if it looked anything like Mental Poo's I would have ran out screaming.

Then, I wash my hands and I make my escape. I open the door a crack, see if the coast is clear and run like hell. Watching my back to make sure no one saw me. Then I sneak out the back door, go around front and pretend like I went to get something out of my car.

But this time I didn't have any warning.. so I feel sorry for whomever walked in after me.

Afterwords, of course I had to find out if I was the only weird one that to have this happen. So I asked a friend (who went to lunch with me) if this has happened to her as well.. she told me, "yes, just yesterday" and she was here at work.

As luck would have it, as I was telling her how I would have gone to the "poopie stall", my boss walked up behind me just when I uttered those words. She turned around and went back into her office. I was so embarrassed, I said "Oh my God, I can't believe I said 'poopie stall' and my boss heard me."

You guessed it, the 2nd time I said it, she was behind me A-gain, this time she shook her head as she walked back to her office... I am just glad she knows my sense of humor.

Full Moons on Moandays can kiss my ass (Long rant warning)

2009-06-07T08:28:00.000-04:00

If you wake up feeling stupid on any given day.. PLEASE DO NOT CALL ME! As a customer service rep either myself or my co-workers have talked to EVERY stupid person in the world.

If you do insist on calling me PLEASE listen to the words that come out of my mouth. Answer accordingly.
If I ask you a yes or no question.. answer YES or NO. There is no reason to tell me why the answer is yes or no.
You idiots gave me the biggest headache yesterday.

Do not cut me off or talk over me when I am explaining the shit that you don't understand. If you would just LISTEN you will find out all you need to know.

PLEASE crawl back under whatever rock from which you came and call me only after you have eaten some fish (you know for brain power)

What am I bitching about you ask?

Yesterday was the full moon. It was also Moanday for those of you calendarlly (yes its a word I just made up) challenged or living in a cave.

The combination of the 2 made for a pissy day. All of the stupid people called our call center yesterday. Mostly dumbass homeowners. Now don't get me wrong. I know homeowners don't have the faintest fucking idea why they should have to call before they dig. You would think the fear of blowing themselves up or getting eletromacuted or knocking the whole damn neighborhood off-line would be reason enough to call. But THEY get pissy and agitated when they call us for this FREE yes I said free service. We have specific info that we have to ask regardless of whether you are a clueless homeowner, a dumbfuck contractor that never has this shit together no matter how many times they call, o or a utility owner that is doing their own digging, or if it happens to be a very intelligent dog that needs to bury his bone, SAME FUCKING QUESTIONS EVERYDAY!

I am usually patient with the homeowners, they have never called us, they know not what to expect. But after being barraged with ALL stupid homeowners yesterday, mix all that with the contractors that don't know the difference between their assholes and their elbows, I was ready to go Sunshine on someone's ass (Sunshine is part of the name of the company I work for, living in the Sunshine State and all)

So here is a sampling of the stupidity I had to deal with yesterday morning. (and most other days)

Me: Can I have your area code and phone number please.

Male Caller: What do you need THAT for?

Me: It's info that the utilities require us to ask everyone who calls us.

Male Caller: 55123

Me: I need your area code and phone number please.

Male Caller: That IS my area code.

Me: No, that is your zip code I need your area code and phone number please

Male Caller: OH sorry area code is 239 (then silence)

Me: (silence as I wait for the phone number)

Male Caller: Hello?

Me: I'm here I am waiting on your phone number.

Male Caller: Do you want my phone number?

Me: ~~No I want your cousin Joe's number in NY so I can call him and put a hit out on your stupid ass~~ Yes please

Male Caller: Do you want my cell phone or home number?

Me: ~~I DON'T GIVE A FLYING FUCK! YOU CAN GIVE ME THE POPE'S NUMBER FOR ALL I CARE~~ Home number is fine

Male Caller: 239-555-1212

Me: What is your name please

Male Caller: Jennifer

Me: I'm sorry, your name is Jennifer?

Male Caller: No that's my wife name, that's who owns the phone service. (Don't you people listen to the fucking recordings telling you who we are?)

Me: I need YOUR name please

Male Caller: Bob B-O-B (then Silence)

Me: silence as I wait for his last name (really people, when do you call any business and only give your first name?)

Male Caller: Hello?

Me: I'm here, I am waiting for your last name.

Male caller: Smith that's S-M-I-T-H

(The harder words.. they
leave for me to guess at the spelling)

Then I get other info and get to his address:

Me: Your address please?

Male Caller: 123 Pine St .. that's P I N E

Me: ~~Yes douchebag, I do know how to spell SOME words.~~

Me: Sigh Thank you ... and what is the intersecting street closest to where you reside?

Caller: Caloosahatchiwatchie St and can you tell them my house has a
red roof, I don't want them to miss it. Please, no paint, only flags. There is a white picket fence in front they can't miss it.

Me: OK.. back up I can spell PINE.. but a need a tad bit of help
spelling Caloosahatchiwatchie

Caller: Oh I'm sorry.. hold on I've lived here 15 years and I still get
it wrong

ME: Putting caller on mute and making a noose of my phone cord (saying to no one in particular "YEAH
but you expect ME to wing it")

I BEG you, give the person on the other end of the
phone the benefit of the doubt. Only spell things if they ask you .
Otherwise, chances are they have words like Smith, Log, and Willow
pretty much figured.

I sound like a bitch? Yeah.. well I'll try being nicer when they start being smarter

You know how I know I'm old

2009-06-07T08:26:00.001-04:00

I took my Mad Libs books to work yesterday because I figured we would be dead. A co-worker was walking my by desk

I said giddily "Look what I have"

He gave me a blank look and said, "WTF is Mad Libs"

My mouth agape (or ajar or... well you get the picture) I said "What do you mean 'WTF are Mad Libs'?"

He said, "I have heard the term but I have never actually seen it"

Incredulous I exclaimed,"YOU HAVE NEVER DONE MAD LIBS?!?!? HOW OLD ARE YOU?!?!"

(I already knew his age, and I soon as I asked him, I remember why I choose to "forget" all the time. I immediately regretted the words as soon as they came off of my damned tongue)

He grinned ear to ear and said "25" (he knows my age too and loves rubbing it in as much as he can.)

I cringed and explained to him how it works and I would text him for a word.

Another co-worker (older than me) comes around the corner. I said to him "Look what I brought!"

He looked at me like a just grew another head. Not because he was clueless, but because he ~~probably thinks~~ knows I am an idiot.

Then I asked "Can you believe he doesn't know what Mad-Libs are?"

I then explained the diatribe between the young whipper-snapper and I. It was only then that he really laughed.

He said, "Out of everything I have heat this morning 'WTF is a Mad Lib is the funniest'

The three of us then started talking about the different decades. How the REAL young kids have no idea cell phones haven't always been around, have no idea what a vinyl record is (for those of you reading that might not now.. a record is a BIG CD made out of plastic same concept as a CD, just different technology)

The baby of the trio says, "You can also tell you're old when your favorite song you hear in the elevator."

I said, "Yeah and how that song is Metallica"

Then, the old man said (and I know all of you 30 yr plus parents that listen to the same teeny bopper crap that your kids listen to can relate)

"You know you're REALLY old when you have had this argument with your kids"

Child: "You HAVE to listen to this new song by the 'A-Teens'"

Pretending to be excited you put struggle to put those damn earbuds in your ear and wonder what in the hell happened to the giant earmuff headphones that we had back in the day)

So you finally get them in and she plays the song. You listen to this 'OH MY GOD I'M OLD song Dancing Queen' (I know it's a lame example, but I haven't had enough coffee to come up with a better sample song/band for this hypothetical argument so BITE ME!)

She watches your face to see if you are as excited as her about this new song, then becomes extremely puzzled as you start singing at the top of your lungs and dancing around the living room. Looking at her face you fail to contain the fits of laughter spewing from your body.

"You KNOW this song? but how, it just came out today!"

After you catch your breath and compose yourself you ask: "Honey, who sings this song?"

"UGH (rolling eyes) you are so OLD.. It's the A-Teens"

You then began the futile quest to explain that this song is a remake a band called ABBA from the 70's. I won't even go into the ensuing 15 minute argument ending with you digging out your dusty ABBA record album, breaking out the all inclusive record player, cassette player still in perfect working order as if in preparation for this moment, and play the song for her.

Her response? You guessed it "Well the A-Teens sing it better"

Sigh

Ok people.. snap out of the skating rink/disco ball fantasy and come back to me.. ok welcome back.

The conversation in the office then became a talk about THE bestradio station E V E R in the day *late 70's early to mid 80's.. the now defunct WDIZ. It played classic rock as well as the current hits of the time (also now considered classic rock). BUT it is online YAY!

The old man (42 to my almost 37) said "I loved that station, but I never understood why they played 'Freebird' every 45 minutes"

The response for the baby? Yup.. "WTF is Freebird"

With a groan, the old man walked away, I sent the baby away with him protesting "What is Freebird" I didn't have that much time in my day to go there with him

THAT's how I know I'm old!

Don't look at me in that tone of voice!

2009-06-07T08:24:00.000-04:00

Yesterday at work, I grabbed both of my cheeks (face cheeks, not ass cheeks perverts!) and while loose lipped, I shook them.. You know you want to try.. go ahead its fun! Finished? OK. My team leader who sits in the cubicle next to mine looks at me and give me the WTF is wrong with you look. I said, "It's great stress relief, you should try it."

Instead, she told me about face yoga and proceeded to demonstrate. Now, picture a slender woman in her mid 20's with long, wavy, red hair doing this

..all while crossing her eyes. She explained how difficult is is to make those faces without crossing ones eyes. You know, she's right! Because I am easily amused I laughed my ass off for 10 minutes while she made those faces AND combined them with chair crunches, chair twists and more. She did this while I was on the phone with customers too. I laughed so much I gave myself a headache.

Another Genius

2009-06-07T08:20:00.000-04:00

For those of you who don't know or don't think that it IS important to call before you dig, take a look at what could happen over at Spam From Fam Anyway, this rant isn't about anyone blowing themselves up.. although... nevermind.

Any whoozle I received a call yesterday from a "woman" I use that term loosely, because it was more like talking to my teenager, or a six year old (splitting hairs there)

We are REQUIRED ask the same questions to EVERYONE that calls us.

I had answered the phone as was greeted with,

I need to talk to *Dilbert please.

I'm sorry, Dilbert is on the phone, but I can help you

He told me a month ago to call him 3-5 business days before I need to dig, so that is what I am doing, can you put him on the phone please

Ma'am, he is on the phone assisting another customer, (damn I sound like a recording) but I do the same thing he does, I will be more than happy to help you (a lie at this point)

So she gives in and lets me help her (Oh Joy) I get her home phone her name address with no problem...

Do you have an email address?

What do you need THAT for?

It is just another way for the utilities to contact you

My home phone works perfectly fine, I'm not giving you my email address

Ok, no email address

That's not true ma'am, I have an email address, I am just not giving it to you, if this is going to be a problem, you can transfer me to Dilbert

There isn't a problem, but since you didn't give me your email address, when I read it back, I have to say "No email"

Well I don't see why you have to lie, but whatever.

I move on.. ready to accidentally disconnect at this point

Do you have a fax number?

I don't understand why you ask all of these questions

Again, it's just another way for the utilities to contact you and I am REQUIRED to ask

Well as I have stated, my home phone works perfectly fine, you don't need my fax number

OK, no fax number

That is my prerogative ma'am if I want to give you this information or not

Yes ma'am, but I still have to ask.

Do you have a cell phone number?

Yes, but if you're not AT&T you will eat up my minutes, so I am not giving you the number (why am I not surprised?)

WHY? Why do people have to make things so freakin difficult? If you have what I ask, but don't want to share, a simple "no" would suffice. Why argue like a spoiled child about shit that makes no sense. Then to say I am lying when I say "no email, fax, or cell phone" is just plain ludicrous Once just once, I would like to say GET A LIFE.. you called me for a FREE service to protect YOU, I didn't call you!

Thank you for letting me vent

*name changed to save my job

You can't wear THAT to work!

2009-06-07T08:18:00.000-04:00

I work in an office. We have casual Fridays YAY! We can't wear any T-Shirts with words on them except company T-shirts or otherwise approved shirts. So imagine my shock this morning when this "woman" came in wearing a shirt that says "Pimpin' Ain't Easy" What? That's not offensive.. OH I know why, I forgot to mention the fact that is 2 sizes too small and pulled over her 8-month pregnant belly! Yeah.. that's what I said! I don't care if you have no respect for yourself.. but have a LITTLE respect for that unwilling parasite inside.. I was sickened. Well.. she was made to put a jacket on.. she should have been sent home.

An open Letter to Hughesnet Satellite Company

2009-06-07T08:14:00.000-04:00

I have seen a LOT of open letters here lately. They seem to make the authors feel better so I thought I would give it a try. Blog Therapy.. I like the sound of it!

To "John" or whatever the hell your real name is,

Who do you think you are fooling? We know Hughesnet has outsourced to India. When we call customer service, you want us to believe your name is John, or Pam or whatever. The reality is we probably can't pronounce your real name. So we play your game. Your script sucks and you don't know how to improvise, or even how to soothe ruffled feathers (I know you get a LOT of calls from pissed off people like me.) But that's not your fault, everyone has to work and you get it where you can. My issue is not with you anyway. My issue is with the shitty "High Speed Satellite", which is only fast if you don't want to do the things normal people like to do like watch a video on youtube. Because of your stupid Fair Access Policy, you make it impossible to enjoy being on line. Your "Fair Access Policy" is an oxymoron. This slows it's users down as a penalty for 24 hours because you wanted to get a laugh or two while using your space aged technology. How is this fair? After all, I pay you fuckers more money a month than I would if I had DSL. Why? Because I am stubborn and convinced myself that satellite was faster than DSL and I HAD to be right. (sound familiar ladies?) OK fine.. so I went cheap with the cheapest package.. it WAS fast in the beginning, then you changed your policy without warning after 6 months and I can't understand why I am surfing at slower than dial-up speeds when I violate FAP. (Fucking Asshole Pricks as I so lovingly call the policy). Only recently did you start including in your commercials the disclaimer that high speed is NOT guaranteed. Had I known that, I never would have subscribed E. V. E. R. So I upgrade and now pay you fuckers almost $100 a month so that I might be able to watch 2 youtube videos, or so my kids and hubby can play online PS3 games for 10 minutes or download an update to my computer, without slowing my surfing. All in hopes that this fixes everything. It did not. Hell, I can't go to my favorite bloggers' pages and watch their videos for fear that I might regret it like a drunk man with a coyote ugly woman when he wakes up in the morning, unless I do it between 2am and 7am when the FAP is relaxed. Damn.. too bad I have a life and have to sleep during that time so I can work the next morning.

The last 2 nights, FAP has been violated. I think I downloaded a program to my computer Sunday night. BIG mistake!! That slowed me down until 7pm last night. Last night about 9:30 my son decides to download videos and a song. Imagine that, a teenager using the internet for something other than studying. Which is again why I upgraded and pay a ridiculous amount of money. So here I am, at 10:30PM Tuesday, writing this letter in hopes that I can get it posted in less than 6 minutes from the time I hit "publish post". But alas, it is crawling like a snail instead. So I called India to find out how much time was left in my contract, which is here, in the U.S. Thank God I am under no contract anymore. Now I can get rid of the horrible dish on my roof and ~~shove it up your~~... I mean so I can get rid of your shitty service. I know "John" had me on mute as he listened to me bitch about his company, the insane price I pay to crawl at dial up so slow a sloth would be pissed off, how I would NEVER recommend you to anyone, and whatever other bad things I had to say about it. He probably called me a fucking bitch and a few other choice words to his co-workers, (I know this, because I do it to my idiot callers on daily basis). Then I got to listen to him stammer as he tried to find the script for a pissed off caller, when he did not know what to say, he said, "Well, have a Happy Holiday." I hung up on him.

So as soon as my DSL modem gets here within the next couple of days, I will be paying less than half of what I pay you to rape me every month and you are out of here like 2 straight guys in a gay bar.

Insincerely,

Disgruntled former Hughesnet idiot Customer (who was perfectly gruntled until I found you)

I was right I DO feel better!

PERFECT.. this morning... I got a customer satisfaction survey in my email.. it was a series of stupid ass questions. At the end they gave an opportunity to provide any comments, so I gave them a condensed version of theis letter. I said

"If you wouldn't outsource to India, want us to believe the person we are talking to is American with the name of John or Pam, if your satellite service wasn't so shitty, if you didn't have the FAP.. things might be better. But I am OVER it, I ordered DSL today, when it comes you are outta here like 2 guys in a gay bar. You really ought to change your policy so people actually enjoy using your service instead of penalizing them for using what they are paying WAY to much more for... and that is to be raped by your FAP.

So farewell!! OH and I will NEVER that's N E V E R recommend your service to anyone.. Not even my worst enemy. I would tell them to keep using dial-up, they'd be much happier, and will have saved a LOT of money in the long run!"

NOW I feel back to 100% again

I Crack Myself Up!

2009-06-07T08:13:00.000-04:00

Yeah yeah yeah.. I know I ended my title with a preposition... BITE ME! It's my blog, I'll use horrible grammar if I want. ;).

Now back to your semi-regularly scheduled post.

I am a sarcastic smartass, I think it is an inherited trait. In fact, I have passed it down to my own children. Any chance I get to crack on someone, I will take it. They call me sarcastibitch at work.

Now that you know a tad bit more about my demented warped personality .. here is my story (think Law and Order intro...) BAH BA BUUUM

I was coming back to the office from Chik-Fil-A one day. I had a bunch of bags from the restaurant in my hands when I was holding open the door to our office for a co-worker who had also just come back from lunch (she did not go with me) She looked at my Chik-Fil-A bags and says "OH! Did you go to Chik-Fil-A?"

I couldn't help myself

I looked at her with a semi-straight face and said "Nope, I went to McDonalds, they were all out of McDonalds bags so they gave me these Chik-Fil-A bags instead... here's your sign"

I know I know.. it was mean.. but I knew I could get away with it with her laughing with me..and she did.

See.... she is our "Captain Obvious" in the office... you know one of those people that will leave her office to go to yours to tell you "It's raining" when it is pitch black outside, thunder, lighting and pouring so hard you would have to pull over if you are driving. You know... hurricane weather.

I did apologize even though I got a lot of laughs and high fives from my co-workers for "bringing down 'Captain Obvious'"
She said "Oh that's ok I get it all the time"

Please... share you "here's your sign" or other sarcastic moments with me.. I'd love to hear them!

Dumbass telemarketer

2009-06-07T08:07:00.000-04:00

The following conversation actually happened between myself and a telemarketer not too long ago..

ME: Hello?

Stupid Telemarketer: May I speak to the lady of the house?

Me: (because if they are calling here, they better damn well know who they are calling)
Do you have a name?

Dumbass: I'm sorry?

ME: I need to know the name of the person you are trying to reach

Stupid: I just need to speak to the lady of the house please.

ME: You really need to be more specific, may I have a name please?

Shit for brains: I don't have a name, I just need to speak to the lady of the house.

ME: Well, there are LOT of "ladies of the house" here, that's why I need a name.

Stupid Dumbass: I'm sorry I don't understand

ME: This is a whorehouse, there are about 50 ladies of the house here, now with which one would you like to speak

Stupid dumbass shit for brains: Uh.. um.... 'Click'

Needless to say, I have not received another call from that number.
Hopefully, her experience with change the company's dialog when the computer autodials.

Feel free to use this dialog if you ever get the opportunity.. it's lots of fun!

Welcome

2009-06-07T07:58:00.001-04:00

This blog chronicles my life as a Customer Service Rep for my state's Call-Before-You-Dig center. Mostly, it is the daily conversations I have with my idiot callers. some of the posts are about funny stuff that happens in my workplace. Some are about conversions I have as a customer calling a CSR or how I deal with telemarketers.
These are taken from my other blog Soggy-Doggy-Bloggy, so don't pay attention to all of the "yesterdays" that you will see.